Sorry, Fresh Out of Interviews, Try Again Next Year

Last week they got around to posting rejections for EIS.

Not surprising I failed to make the cut ("record number of applicants" is a phrase floating around), but it took me a couple of days to get over the sense, not of rejection, but that the potential was still hanging about in the air. Very odd. The last time I was deeply invested in an application that did not turn out, I felt terribly shot down the second I saw the e-mail saying, "Many qualified applicants..."*

This time was more: "Wait, was that it? Bit anti-climactic, muttermuttermutter..."**

Ah, well, it obviously is not yet my time to go into a public health fellowship of that magnitude. 

And yet and yet. It took a couple of days though to even start considering the possibility of doing something else. I mechanically signed up for the internship match program, although for the time being I feel far more pessimistic about my chances. I have started lurking by the door after class and asking professors about projects with more of a communications focus. And one night I spent a few hours browsing the internet on unrelated topics, ending in a pity-party during which I convinced myself that everything I thought about the world is wrong, there is no justice, yadda yadda yadda.

Then I got my hair cut, suddenly realized I look like Diana Rigg from the Avengers (at least have potential for it, if I can ever recreate what my stylist did), had tea with a friend who studies 19th century French literature (how about that for a different perspective?) and discovered that KT Tunstall is THE best music for when I'm feeling down.

Having recovered equilibrium and done some studying, today I was finally up to sending e-mails to the kind people who helped me prepare my application. And they replied with so much generosity, whether brief avowals of support or more elaborate advice on how to cope (cake decorating may have been mentioned), it was a lovely reminder that yes, I was applying to something that would have been a huge challenge, but they had faith in my ability to do it enough to support me and to continue supporting me now, whatever I set my sights on next.

*Of course, I immediately signed up for a three-week intensive art course which turned out to be the most personally fulfilling experience outside of vet school I've had, so it worked out okay...Forever raising the stakes on what I do after rejections, because it must live up to the bizarre expectations raised by the times my alternative plans worked out.
**Stretching the waiting out to 40 days (or thereabouts) may have had something to do with this.

Lots and none at all

Today I have accomplished lots and nothing at all!

A roll of verbiage, just to get it out of my system:

I spent a lot of the day buffering e-mails between the big organization and the visiting organization, both of which were very confused about the schedule. It took me three sets of e-mails (received and response) to figure out that the problem arose from the misplacement of a date, not the actual deletion of it. If any of that makes sense. I always come out of these things grateful for peaceful resolution, and fervently hoping that no one is going to be angry at me. I can imagine several very specific complaints of negligence to lodge against myself, but I think part of that is paranoia.

And then I had a nice long conversation with my fiance, via Skype. It was the first time I've ever used the video function, so THAT was an adjustment. It didn't feel at first like I was actually talking to him, since I was so very obviously talking at a computer. And then it was hard to draw the conversation to a close (although it was getting on toward 11 pm his time, and he still had homework to do). I think we'll probably have to schedule it like dating, not too often and with a set time to sign off. But overall, a very cool piece of technology.

One thing that really irked me, though--his host mother apparently made some comment about how we were talking too much, and how a previous study-abroad student had spent too much time talking to his fiancee "and that was why they broke up." It's one of those cases where my first reaction is "why would she even bring this up?" And my second reaction is wrathful indignation. So I went and played angry piano for a while, which helped (okay, so Mozart's Sonata in C doesn't really qualify as "angry").

Okay, back to studying! Or, I guess, just to studying, since I haven't gotten around to it yet today.