Not surprising I failed to make the cut ("record number of applicants" is a phrase floating around), but it took me a couple of days to get over the sense, not of rejection, but that the potential was still hanging about in the air. Very odd. The last time I was deeply invested in an application that did not turn out, I felt terribly shot down the second I saw the e-mail saying, "Many qualified applicants..."*
This time was more: "Wait, was that it? Bit anti-climactic, muttermuttermutter..."**
Ah, well, it obviously is not yet my time to go into a public health fellowship of that magnitude.
And yet and yet. It took a couple of days though to even start considering the possibility of doing something else. I mechanically signed up for the internship match program, although for the time being I feel far more pessimistic about my chances. I have started lurking by the door after class and asking professors about projects with more of a communications focus. And one night I spent a few hours browsing the internet on unrelated topics, ending in a pity-party during which I convinced myself that everything I thought about the world is wrong, there is no justice, yadda yadda yadda.
Then I got my hair cut, suddenly realized I look like Diana Rigg from the Avengers (at least have potential for it, if I can ever recreate what my stylist did), had tea with a friend who studies 19th century French literature (how about that for a different perspective?) and discovered that KT Tunstall is THE best music for when I'm feeling down.
Having recovered equilibrium and done some studying, today I was finally up to sending e-mails to the kind people who helped me prepare my application. And they replied with so much generosity, whether brief avowals of support or more elaborate advice on how to cope (cake decorating may have been mentioned), it was a lovely reminder that yes, I was applying to something that would have been a huge challenge, but they had faith in my ability to do it enough to support me and to continue supporting me now, whatever I set my sights on next.
*Of course, I immediately signed up for a three-week intensive art course which turned out to be the most personally fulfilling experience outside of vet school I've had, so it worked out okay...Forever raising the stakes on what I do after rejections, because it must live up to the bizarre expectations raised by the times my alternative plans worked out.
**Stretching the waiting out to 40 days (or thereabouts) may have had something to do with this.
